Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Have I mentioned how hard winter has been? This winter has been one of our worst in over twenty years. We have been below freezing for more than thirty days in a row. And add that to getting more snow than usual and it just drags on and on. I am craving sunshine and warmth.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


The first semester of my second year of college was extremely tough. At the end of the semester I headed out to take my Physics 101 final. In mid-stride I stopped and went home, getting an “F” in the class (that is still on my transcript today). I'm a good student so that was totally out of character for me but now I know I was struggling with depression during this rough semester. I just couldn't bring myself to go to the testing center and take that test. It really didn't feel like I had a choice, I just turned around.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Winter Time

This winter is so hard. It is bitter cold and gloomy and I can feel it in my bones. I am trying to be patient as I wait for spring but it seems so far away. My depression is not seasonal or situational however I do notice that I do so much better in the other seasons of the year. The sun makes such a difference.

Friday, January 18, 2013

My Limitations

One of the hardest things for me to learn was making sure I didn't take on more than I could handle. If stress is such a huge catalyst, I knew I had to be very careful. It was difficult at first to say no to requests from others but it was the only way I could even cope with the demands of being a mom. As always, being a mom was my first priority. I felt guilty all the time from saying no but as the years have gone by and there are a lot of times I can say yes, I also no my limitations and cannot risk taking on too much and going into overload and then bringing on another crash.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

If I Am Better...?

I think my medication is working but then why do I still spend most of my time in my bedroom with the light off? I feel guilty but can't seem to get beyond my room. Other things seem to be normal and I don't have any of those feelings of overwhelming blackness. If I have something I need to do or have committed to do it takes me hours to work up the motivation to get up and go. Maybe my medication isn't working.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Opening Up

I wish my mom and dad had been more open about my mother's challenges. Perhaps they or I would have recognized that what I was experiencing was depression. Because my mother lived so much of those years shut away, she may not have been around enough to even notice. I also know that because mother's pit was so dark and insidious, that she probably was unable to see my suffering. Even if they recognized what I was going through, I realize now that the secrecy and stigma of the illness might have precluded my mother even talking to me about it. If I had known earlier, I wonder if I would have made wiser choices throughout my life and been able to better manage this illness.