Depressed!

Have I mentioned how hard winter has been? This winter has been one of our worst in over twenty years. We have been below freezing for more than thirty days in a row. And add that to getting more snow than usual and it just drags on and on. I am craving sunshine and warmth.

College

The first semester of my second year of college was extremely tough. At the end of the semester I headed out to take my Physics 101 final. In mid-stride I stopped and went home, getting an “F” in the class (that is still on my transcript today). I'm a good student so that was totally out of character for me but now I know I was struggling with depression during this rough semester. I just couldn't bring myself to go to the testing center and take that test. It really didn't feel like I had a choice, I just turned around.

Winter Time

This winter is so hard. It is bitter cold and gloomy and I can feel it in my bones. I am trying to be patient as I wait for spring but it seems so far away. My depression is not seasonal or situational however I do notice that I do so much better in the other seasons of the year. The sun makes such a difference.

My Limitations

One of the hardest things for me to learn was making sure I didn't take on more than I could handle. If stress is such a huge catalyst, I knew I had to be very careful. It was difficult at first to say no to requests from others but it was the only way I could even cope with the demands of being a mom. As always, being a mom was my first priority. I felt guilty all the time from saying no but as the years have gone by and there are a lot of times I can say yes, I also no my limitations and cannot risk taking on too much and going into overload and then bringing on another crash.

If I Am Better...?

I think my medication is working but then why do I still spend most of my time in my bedroom with the light off? I feel guilty but can't seem to get beyond my room. Other things seem to be normal and I don't have any of those feelings of overwhelming blackness. If I have something I need to do or have committed to do it takes me hours to work up the motivation to get up and go. Maybe my medication isn't working.

Opening Up

I wish my mom and dad had been more open about my mother's challenges. Perhaps they or I would have recognized that what I was experiencing was depression. Because my mother lived so much of those years shut away, she may not have been around enough to even notice. I also know that because mother's pit was so dark and insidious, that she probably was unable to see my suffering. Even if they recognized what I was going through, I realize now that the secrecy and stigma of the illness might have precluded my mother even talking to me about it. If I had known earlier, I wonder if I would have made wiser choices throughout my life and been able to better manage this illness.