Lessons I Learned

It is a shame it took me getting depression to understand my mother. Realizing that I had judged my mother so harshly wasn't the end of it. I had spoken so loudly to so many people that I really felt that I needed to do two things. First, one of the hardest things I had to do was go to my mother and confess to her the awful things I had said and done as well as all the judgments I made against her. Tears flowed down my face as I asked for her forgiveness and with no hesitation she promptly forgave me. I had taken such a heavy heart to my mother's and yet she had no guile. This was the beginning of a new relationship as we were finally able to relate we had never experienced. I never believed my mother and I were similar in personality and yet when I heard her or my father talk of her life before depression, I believe we were more similar than I ever knew.

Secondly, I knew my penitence would not be complete until I made every effort to undo the damage I had done. Many of the women in my neighborhood had heard me on more than one occasion speak ill of my mother. I made a concerted effort to personally talk with as many as I could to let them know how wrong I had been. It is so vital to get ride of the stigma of depression and to stop judging those around when we have know idea what their hidden demons might be. It is also crucial for those of us that have depression to be open with one another and find strength from sharing together.

Understanding My Mother

Something that was life altering for me was the change in how I perceived my mother. I always loved her but I had judged her harshly for how absent she had been in my family's life. I found as the years went on that I found every opportunity to criticize her. I said very cruel things about her to others and even said some of my comments to her personally. I justified my comments to her because my perception of her actions or lack of actions was that she didn't care.

But now, my eyes opened to a whole new understanding of the despair and misery my mother had experienced throughout her life and I felt deep regret and sorrow for the judgments I made against her. When she fell victim to depression, the doctors had little or no experience with this disease. She suffered some very primitive and barbaric treatments in their attempts to heal her.

I finally understood because of my own personal experiences that the reason for her not being there wasn't because she did not want to be, but because she could not be! Now I had empathy that could only come through me being personally afflicted with this same disease. I finally understood and appreciated the tremendous mother she really was given the unbelievable burdens, obstacles and treatments of depression she had to endure.

When Did I Really Get Depression?

Some of my latest insights have come as I have tried to write about depression. As I look back on my early teen years, I can see that I actually experienced episodes of depression back then. These situations were nowhere as bad as they would eventually become but I recognize them as 'situational' depression.

 

One example I remember was growing up in a family with eight children and finding myself trying to disappear for hours or days at a time. I f I could avoid talking to anyone, I would.

 

On another occasion, I remember my first semester of my sophomore year at college was extremely tough. My friendship with my best friend and roommate seemed to be disintegrating and our other roommates were less than ideal. I dreaded going back to my apartment at the end of the day and I would stay on campus as long as I could to avoid going home. At the end of the semester, I headed out to take my physics final. I was halfway there when I stopped, turned around and went back to the apartment! I knew it was insane and that I needed to keep going but I just couldn't bring myself to go and take that test. I knew I would never be able to explain myself to my father but I didn't feel like I had a choice, I just turned around. I got an 'F' in that class which is still on my transcript today (if they keep them that long).