In the last twenty years I have realized that part of this debilitating disease is the inability to function, to even do simple tasks. I recognize the biggest challenge for me is taking that first step. It is like getting a two ton ball rolling. If the ball was already moving, I might be able to keep it rolling. Just the thought of me trying to get a two ton ball rolling is so absurd that is overwhelming and beyond my capacity.

This becomes even harder if it involves leaving my house. There are times when I actually leave the house to drive to a store but then I can't get out of the car. I would just sit in the parking lot for a while and then just go home filled with frustration that I couldn't even buy groceries for my family. Once in a while, I would actually get out of the car and walk into the store only to turn right around and leave.

I Quit!

At the end of the fall semester at college I was heading out to take my Physics final. I had walked about half way there to just realize I couldn't go and take that test. In mid-stride I stopped and went back to my apartment, getting an 'F' in the class. I was a good student so that was totally out of character for me but now I realize I was struggling with depression during this semester. I just couldn't bring myself to go to the testing center and take that test. It didn't really feel like I had a choice, I just turned around.

As I headed home over Christmas break, I made a decision that I would not be returning to college. I knew my father wouldn't be pleased but I knew I could not cope. My dad tried tried very hard to convince me to return but I didn't budge.

I wish, here again, that my mother or father would have recognized my symptoms and actions as being those that were similar to my mom's and talk to me about depression. Looking back I am relieved to know there was a reason to my irrational behavior but it would have been a blessing to know what I was dealing with at the time.

Losing a Friend

I had a dear friend of my pass away a few days ago and it has just sunk me into the deep. I don't know if I internalize things so deep that with my depression it pushes me further down or what. I can't stop thinking about how much I will miss her and how empty my life feels. She was one of those friends that are rare to find yet I was blessed to have her. She knew my deepest and darkest feelings. When my son came to me and told me he was gay, and I didn't know if I would ever stop hurting and crying, she was there.When another son overdosed not once but twice, (but through two different miracles lived), and once again felt my heart break, she was there. When I felt as though I had failed as a mother, she was there. She never judged me and she never broke my confidences. I knew she was a safe place for me.